Although I am an atheist, I understand that society loves its religious ceremonies and traditions. Tradition, be it a bris or a hot dog eating contest on the 4th of July, is an important part of civilization. It helps us stay connected to our heritage and provides us with an identity. That being said, the tradition of getting married is not exclusively a religious one. Civil marriages are not a new concept, malovolently created by scheming homosexuals determined to destroy the universe with their same-sex attraction and uncanny fashion sensibilities. Essentially, every time a religious leader publicly speaks about protecting marriage, saying that it is nothing more than a sacred covenant with God, and that God has decreed that it is a ceremony to be performed only between a man and a woman, they insult homosexual and secular people alike. I mean, assuming that you don’t live in a religious theocracy. And I thought, whether conservative or liberal, the one thing we loved about this country was the fact that we weren’t one of those. It’s nice that people with particular religious faiths want to have their God sanction or annul their marriage, whichever is necessary at the time, but when widows file for survivor benefits, those checks aren’t signed by Jesus. And if your church doesn’t currently recognize your heterosexual marriage, while that may be painful for you, you know full well that you are still considered married in the eyes of the law even if you have to marry that heathen slut in shame down at City Hall instead of in St. Andrews.

And, of course, it should be able to go completely without saying that the principles, concepts, justifications, and rules surrounding marriage between a man and a woman have been evolving for hundreds of years, and that what our society today holds sacred as marriage in no way resembles the biblical definition of acceptable marriage.

In the space of time between now and when Noah built that aardvark, we’ve come a long way, baby. Now, I’m sure that many a religious zealot would like you to believe that the evolution that society has undergone since Eve invented the appletini, (just a reminder: religious dogma is not my strong suit), is a sign that we are going to burn in Hell, and that we are condemned to spend eternity wishing we had at least one less impure thought in our lifetime. And I think it is clearly obvious to anyone with even a speck of a brain that yearning for the past in such resolute fashion is completely preposterous. What Fred Phelps and fire-breathing preachers of his ilk are essentially saying is that ALL change since the beginning of time goes against God’s will and is a sin deserving of God’s wrath. That is the basic argument, and why gay marriage is a horrible, destructive thing. Which is REALLY ironic coming from the mouths of supposed Christian leaders, when you think about it. Because, of course, arguably the biggest catalyst for change in the western world occurred 2,000 years ago when a man whose mama probably used to call “Jay Jay” stood within one of the largest temples built to honor God and said, (in the best Samuel L. Jackson voice he could muster), “Some shit gonna CHANGE up in this here muthafucker!” That is why humans have advanced more than, say, rocks. Because we learn. We grow. We love. We evolve.

I mean, that is so blatantly obvious that it seems to be a complete waste of your time, my time, and the Lord’s time to even mention it. (But, in his defense, the Lord can get a lot done in one day, so it probably didn’t take him very long to read this.)

Now that I have gotten that out the way we can go back to talking about the hot lesbian love action.

 I think it’s great that two people who love each other can get married. Seems like a perfectly rational thing for a sane, civilized society to allow.

Thanks for your time. If you feel the need to pray for me, please remember to enunciate: I would like you to pray the gray away. With an ‘r’.