Brief Thoughts on Thinking

I have never read Ralph Ellison’s novel “Invisible Man,” but I’ve known that I should. If one is interested in expanding one’s level of awareness, (as I am), or if one is interested in broadening one’s horizons and familiarizing oneself with great works of literature, (as, again, sometimes I am), then one should read seminal works such as “Invisible Man.”

I checked it out of the library today. I started reading the introduction over lunch. And now I am very nervous. Because I can barely understand a goddamn thing I’ve read so far. If the novel itself is written in the same style as this introduction, I might as well read it in Italian: I wouldn’t understand the intent of Mr. Ellison’s words any less, but I might actually learn how to read a little Italian.

Ralph Ellison is much smarter than me. His intelligence jumps off the page with every convoluted sentence I read. I can tell that he is saying something important. I can tell that he is describing how it came about that “Invisible Man,” (arguably one of the greatest novels ever written), was created. But I cannot, for the life of me, be sure of what he is saying. Take this tiny excerpt:

And all the more so because the voice seemed well aware that a piece of science fiction was the last thing I aspired to write. In fact, it seemed to tease me with allusions to that pseudoscientific sociological concept which held that most Afro-American difficulties sprang from our “high visibility”; a phrase as double-dealing and insidious as its more recent oxymoronic cousins, “benign neglect” and “reverse discrimination,” both of which translate “Keep those Negroes running-but in their same old place.” My friends had made wry jokes out of the term for many years, suggesting that while the darker brother was clearly “checked and balanced”-and kept far more checked than balanced-on the basis of his darkness he glowed, nevertheless, within the American conscience with such intensity that most whites feigned moral blindness toward his predicament; and these included the waves of late arrivals who refused to recognize the vast extent to which they too benefited from his second-class status while placing all the blame on white southerners.

Umm. What?

(For those that are unaware, since Mr. Ellison was discussing race, (was he?), in the above paragraph, he was a black author, born in the first half of the 20th century, who died in 1994. “Invisible Man” is hailed as a masterpiece novel that tells “unparalleled truths about the nature of bigotry.” I was looking forward to reading it before I started reading it.)

Trying to understand Mr. Ellison’s meaning has really got me thinking about the larger subjects of thinking and communicating, and how the art of writing enhances both of those things.

I’m about to tell you something that I bet you didn’t even know, so pay close attention:

Most of us are born with brains. Actual brains! Nestled comfortably within our soft, newborn skulls, yearning to be filled with knowledge and information. (Despite all evidence to the contrary, our brains are not located in either our penises or our  butts. Nope. They are in our heads, balanced delicately upon our necks. I’m happy to have cleared that up for you.)

One of the questions I wrestle with, as the simple layperson I am, is what limits are imposed on our intelligence? As we grow older, are we capable of growing smarter? Can a person develop critical thinking skills or, like the ability to curl your tongue, are they something you’re born with? Is your brain as capable of being smart on the day of your birth as it is going to be your entire life, or can you train yourself to become smarter?

(I realize that is actually four questions. Which basically ask the same thing. So, it’s just the one question.)

The reason I frequently wonder about intelligence is because every time I turn around I find myself face-to-face with another stupid person. It used to be funny, talking to a complete idiot who, in all other respects, appeared to be a functioning adult, but upon closer inspection it’s revealed that they are miraculously walking, talking, breathing & laughing despite the fact that their brain is completely detached from their central nervous system. (“I just met a woman who didn’t know the phone number to call 9-1-1!”) But then, like a massive walker herd over the horizon in “The Walking Dead” attracted to the sound of a single gunshot, I feel swamped by morons who must have been attracted to the sound of my derisive laughter. Suddenly the joke’s on me. I can’t get away from them and I don’t have nearly enough ammunition to fend them all off.

(For those of you who thought I was exploring the topic of intelligence because I was nobly motivated by the pure and unimpeachable pursuit of philosophical knowledge simply for knowledge’s sake, nope. I am just sick of stupid people. This makes me not a nice person. I realize this.)

Will reading Ralph Ellison’s ponderous train of thought make me more intelligent? If I can get through his prose and somehow make sense of it all will, in the end, my brain be “better” for it?

Let’s say you’re trying to educate yourself. I know, I know, based on the number of stupid people I meet or speak with on a daily basis, there is a good chance that none of you are actually trying to do this. But, for the sake of argument, let’s just say that you are. Give me some hope. Throw me a bone. At least one intellectually curious person has to exist–I’ll just pretend I’m lucky enough to have you stumble across my blog.

What is it that makes you smarter? Is it being introduced to new ideas or strains of thought that literally had never occurred to you before? Or is it deciphering multisyllabic, dense sentences and translating them down to your ingrained level of understanding? Or does simply going out and interacting with new people strengthen your brain?

Okay. I’m just going to throw that last question out. While there certainly has to be huge benefits to socializing and interacting with people, as anyone who has spent more than three minutes in a Wal-Mart on payday will tell you, it doesn’t, as a general rule, make you smarter. Or a Starbucks. I am not trying to trash poor people here. Hell, I’M POOR PEOPLE. My gripe is with stupid people. And, believe me, stupid people in a Starbucks are even harder to deal with sometimes than the ones at Wal-Mart because you have that hot coffee in your hand just itching to be thrown in their faces.

Because here is what I think. I think getting new ideas in your head is what’s important.

Well, let me back up. In order to get smarter, a person has to be willing to admit her views are wrong if confronted with overwhelming evidence to the contrary. If a person refuses to adapt her views despite completely rational, logical, valid evidence that completely refutes what she currently believes, then that is a person who is incapable of recognizing new ideas. That and she is incapable of completing her term as governor of Alaska.

Pow! Take that, Sarah Palin! *relevant!*

So, clearly, there are too many millions of us incapable of changing our views on any given subject. Why is that, I wonder? Are those people stupid? Is that what stupidity is, the inability to alter an opinion? Or is it simply a matter of sensory overload? You know, when I want a milkshake, I am not eager to get one from a place that has sixty different kinds. There are too many choices. They overwhelm me and my brain shuts down. Which is why, in my lifetime, I’ve only tried four flavors of shakes: peach, strawberry, chocolate peanut butter and Shamrock.

I’m kidding about how many flavors I’ve tried, of course, but I am quite serious about the immobilizing sense of overwhelm(edness?) that comes over me when I’m confronted with too many choices. And maybe, in this high-tech world of instant access to all human knowledge, that is why many people are incapable of accepting new ideas. There are just too many of them?

Of course, I personally think that is a bullshit excuse, but it certainly seems like a viable one.

After all, it’s possible that my brain is simply wired differently than most other peoples, and it has been since birth. I’m curious about history and philosophy and a variety of social sciences, but maybe I was just born with it. (Or maybe it’s Maybelline. I don’t know. It could be.) Maybe this desire I have to constantly know more and more about the human condition is nothing that I’ve developed, per se. Maybe I am no more in control of my curiosity than squirrels are in control of their desire to collect nuts in August.

I mean, let’s be clear here: I’m no fucking brainiac. At best–at BEST!–I’m what is derisively known as a “bookworm” or a “dilettante,” although dilettante is way too fancy a word to describe someone like me. It sounds too much like the word “debutante,” which is something young wealthy virgin women are called and I have neither money nor virginity, thank you very much. A bookworm is someone who reads a lot of books but is not an intellectual. And that is an apt description of me. I do not use my brain for any grand purpose.

When I think of smart people, I think of those people who give TED Talks and, I’ll be honest with you, I grew bored as shit with the never-ending hope and awesomeness of the TED Talks years ago. (Again, need I remind you, I am not a nice person. But, I’m sorry, okay? All those brilliant people get up on stage and talk about mind-blowingly fantastic ideas and idealizations for the future and, meanwhile, Detroit public workers are still losing their pensions, the President is still ordering the murders of innocent people in the name of fighting terrorism, the NSA is still spying on all of us, and black boys are still getting shot for being black. I’m cynical. Sue me.)

That being said, I am still compulsively interested in trying to improve my brain. (So that maybe, one day, I’ll appreciate those TED Talks for what they are.)

I cannot imagine trying to live a life in which I am not trying to become smarter. Well, no, again, I hate to contradict myself, but I can actually imagine that. I did it for years. I shut myself down, holed myself up, and played World of Warcraft every free minute of my life for about seven years. Man, do I wish I could have those years back.

So.

If you want to be “smarter,” here’s what I think: You have to be willing to change your mind. You have to willingly seek out ideas & concepts that are foreign to you. From my perspective, I think it is best for the person trying to educate himself if the author or speaker writes or speaks in a colloquial style. I think that many important concepts and ideas fail to take hold with people because they are written in high-brow language that only a sliver of serious academics can understand. Language can either be welcoming to virtually all literate people or it can be a unintelligible code to outsiders. Buddha, Gandhi, Jesus & Paul from the Bible, Mark Twain, Thomas Paine…these great thinkers ideas did not spread simply because their messages were universal. Their message was universal because the language they used was accessible & easy to understand.

Anyway.

Thanks for reading this if you’ve made it this far. I didn’t do a very good job of either communicating effectively or sounding intelligent in this post, I know, but I tried. I’ll do better next time. Although it’s possible that I’ve been bitten and infected by that herd of stupid zombies I referred to earlier, (Stupies? Zombidiots?), and I’m now simply part of the pack, watching Duck Dynasty, shuffling closer to a Starbucks or a Wal-Mart near you. Stay on your toes. And read “Invisible Man.” I hear it’s excellent.

It’s Always Something

I am terrified to write today.

I am staring intently at a cobalt blue Bud Light keychain bottle opener that is laying lying resting on the desk in front of me. I am telling myself that if I can just get through this essay, if I can just get to the point where I feel comfortable posting it on my blog, I can reward myself with one four ten of the Negra Modelos that are currently chilling in my fridge. The only reason I’m writing is because I really need a fucking beer. (Oh, stop with the judgment! If my lover’s name was Zelda and strangers asked me, “Do friends call you ‘F’ or ‘Scott’?”, then a)it would be gin and b)I’d already be drunk. Not that I’m comparing myself to Mr. Fitzgerald. I’m merely reminiscing about an earlier, more innocent time, when blogging was new, no topic was off-limits, and everyone who did it was an alcoholic. Plus, I never really got into Fitzgerald. Or Hemingway. I preferred Sinclair. And Dreiser. Drunks. All of them. <wait for laughter here>)

The reason fear is gurgling up in me like pureed carrots in an over-fed baby is because I feel like I’m On The Verge of Something. Only I don’t know what it is, I don’t know how to express it, and there is a good possibility that it is going to Evaporate before I have a chance to Pull My Shit Together.

What I did realize today is that I need to take smaller bites of the apple. That is what I told myself as I diligently put my left blinker on as I slowed to a stop waiting to turn onto McClure Circle. “You need to take smaller bites of the apple, Laurie.” I can only assume that means the Something I’m On The Verge of is a very large piece of fruit. Figuratively Allegorically Metaphorically speaking.

So, (lucky for you), I am not–not today, at least–going to attempt to expound on the entire Something that is percolating in my brain. For starters, I am not nearly skilled enough to compose such a thing. And, for another, I’ve only recently, as in the past week or so, realized that I’m even onto Something. I haven’t figured out what exactly that Something is. But Something is in there. And I am going to try very hard to fertilize it, gestate it, and then give birth to it. From my brain. After which I will make a placenta smoothie and drink it. (Okay, what? That was uncalled for. And if I weren’t running purely on fear and adrenaline and a thirst for cold, cold beer, I would totally erase this entire paragraph. Placenta. I mean, ewww. Grow up, Laurie. Jesus.)

One step I took towards getting closer to expressing Something is that I stopped at an Office Depot today and paid entirely too much money for pens and a composition notebook. But, they are very nice pens. All twelve of them. Even though I just needed the one. (Editor’s Note: If you’re running short on time, you can just simply skip this paragraph. It is completely unnecessary. Laurie was simply excited that she bought new pens. It is in no way relevant to the topic at hand.)

As my metabolism since I’ve started “eating right” (sometimes) and “working out” (I can sometimes do 17 push-ups! In a row!) has begun to speed up, I now constantly feel like an elephant shrew that has to eat something every three hours or else I’m going to die. So, after I bought my writing utensils, I stopped off at a taco shop. (Today not being one of my “eating right” days.) I opened up the notebook and began to jot a few thoughts down. THERE IS A REASON THAT I AM TELLING YOU THIS. So, please, stop playing Candy Crush and just read this one thing. I won’t be too much longer. I expect to be drunk in less than an hour.

Here’s what I wrote:

I have to believe that most of us–those who are not so poverty-stricken that existence is nothing more than a vicious, desperate struggle for survival, leaving little room to contemplate existential questions or ponder the transcendental nature of the universe–strive for harmony and the divine. It is a noble goal. The problem arises partly from the fact that every person has their own definition of what those words mean, and they have very different visions of how to achieve them.

CAN YOU NOT SEE HOW THAT IS A VERY BIG SOMETHING TO CONTEMPLATE?

I probably did NOT need to shout at you just then. But, it’s been more than three hours since I ate. And, you don’t know this, but I deleted a big ol’ “FUCKING” from that sentence, just for you. So, you know. I’m trying, my friend. I’m trying.

But it is a lot to carry around in my wee little head. And I’m not thinking of these things because I have to write a grant paper or turn in a report on the state of bliss for the Pew Research Center or something. There is no reason in the world for me to be contemplating Harmony. Or the Divine. Or any other band led by Smokey Robinson. But I am. And, (lucky for you), someday you’ll get to read just what exactly I think about it.

See, here’s the thing, though:

After filling my small intestine with jalapenos, cheese, and Diet Coke, I headed to the library. I had a book waiting there for me to check out. I had ordered Flow by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi. (I will succeed in reaching Harmony & the Divine when I can pronounce that name flawlessly without a moment’s hesitation.) Don’t ask me WHY I requested this book. I have absolutely no idea. I don’t even remember what compelled me to search for it. Perhaps someone recommended it to me. If so, the moment that happened escapes me. Perhaps it was on the NY Times Bestseller List. Turns out this book was written in 1990. So, you know. If it’s still on the Bestseller List it must be very good. The subtitle is “The Psychology of Optimal Experience,” and I’ve grown comfortable enough in my skin over the past year that that didn’t sound New-Agey to me and didn’t creep me out.

When I got home with the book, I notice that the chapters are very detailed. The contents of the final chapter caught my eye. So, I flip to Cultivating Purpose on page 218.

Please remember <look up> what I had just written not more than an hour before I ever set eyes on this book.

I would very much like to simply transcribe the six pages that I read, slack-jawed, dumbfounded, leaning on my kitchen counter. But, of course, I cannot do that. For one, I am pretty sure that is against the rules of publishing. For two, I told you I would be drunk by now. As the saying goes, ain’t nobody got time for that. But here is the first paragraph:

In the lives of many people it is possible to find a unifying purpose that justifies the things they do day in, day out–a goal that like a magnetic field attracts their psychic energy, a goal upon which all lesser goals depend. This goal will define the challenges that a person needs to face in order to transform his or her life into a flow activity. Without such a purpose, even the best-ordered consciousness lacks meaning.

I know, right? Sexier than 50 Shades of Grey, am I right, ladies? So, he (I assume Mihaly is a man’s name) elaborates–he talks about the different ultimate goals that have satisfied cultures, and he mentions different meaning systems that cultures have had. He then proceeds to cite someone named Pitrim Sorokin, (Who I also assume is a man. Not that it matters. Except that I find these names to be strangely lyrical and beautiful.), who divides all of Western Civilization into three types of meaning systems: sensate, ideational, and idealistic. <Stay with me, friend. Stay with me..> It’s really fascinating. <It really is!>

He then starts to discuss the psychology of the steps human beings need to take in order to achieve their ultimate goals. He said that the first step is each person needs to preserve themselves and their basic goals. If they can get to the point where their physical safety is no longer in doubt, then they can move onto to embracing the values of their community–their family, their neighborhood, their church, etc. He states that this leads to something called reflective individualism, which in turn leads to the final step, which is a turning away from one’s individual self “back toward an integration with other people and with universal values.” (That means you reached the harmonious and the divine, basically.)

I know, right? I agree, it is totally intense. Well, it’s not my book to lend, but you can totally check it out at your local library.

The part that sent shivers down my spine was just a little further along, after he has explained the stages people go through when attempting to merge with the whole. Let me just quote it for you. And, again–please remember what I wrote down as I was shoving a quesadilla in my face:

Not everyone moves through the stages of this spiral of ascending complexity. A few never have the opportunity to go beyond the first step. When survival demands are so insistent that a person cannot devote much attention to anything else, he or she will not have enough psychic energy left to invest in the goals of the family or of the wider community. Self-interest alone will give meaning to life.

I know, right?

So. I write down a random thought that has been percolating in my brain and less than an hour later I’m staring at the much more eloquent expression of those very same thoughts in a book that I had never opened before.

I don’t know what it means, either. Part of me feels exhilarated–that this Something that is in my brain has been studied and mapped and is understood by psychologists from around the globe. I can seek out this topic at the library! I can learn! I can become more enlightened! Yay for me! Part of me feels deflated–that this Something has been studied and mapped and is understood by psychologists from around the globe. You’re not educated enough to talk about this! No one cares what you think! Smarter people than you have already covered this topic! Suppress the need you have to discuss it! And, of course, part of me feels terrified. Because I AM On The Verge of Something. Maybe I will never be able to successfully write about it. But maybe I’ll grow to understand it, which will help me on my journey to find Harmony & the Divine. (9PM Eastern/8PM Central this fall on TNT.) Knowledge and self-realization can be terrifying sometimes.

Which is why a bigger part of me REALLY needs a drink.

The Taming of the Prude

It has been extremely quiet in my house for hours now. I think it is because I am still in shock that I have finished reading “50 Shades of Grey.” I did it. From cover to cover, I absorbed every word. It was, without a doubt, the longest Penthouse Forum letter I have ever read. I need to purge myself of the emotions and opinions the reading of this book has given rise to. And, since I am unfamiliar with the proper procedure required for a kona coffee colonic–I don’t even know where I would find kona coffee–please allow me to cleanse myself with this little essay, (although I am certain that a coffee colonic would give me much more energy. You drink those, right? (Note to self: Do further research on ‘colonics.’)) If I commit all my thoughts to the page, perhaps I will stop continually tweeting about the sheer awfulness of this novel. For the past few days all I have wanted to do is tweet snarky, spiteful, (albeit righteously inventive and hilarious), comments about this terrible book. I would like to go back to tweeting about my cats like a normal person, if you don’t mind.

I only have myself to blame for this. No one forced me to read this book. I CHOSE to endure this pain. So, in that respect, I am incredibly similar to the main character, (a woman I will forever refer to Anastasia Whats-her-Face, if only because her last name escapes me at the moment and I’m too afraid to open the book again to look it up.) You see, every once in awhile, if circumstances permit, I like to try and catch up on some of the pop culture that swirls around this morbidly obese, yes, I would like fries with that and, yes, I would like chili AND cheese on those fries country of ours. It helps me feel connected to this Vitamin Water-drinking, Spanx-wearing, Dancing With the Stars-watching society that typically leaves me feeling befuddled and slightly out of place. So, if everyone at the office is reading a bestseller, then, God help me, I’m gonna crack that book open and find out what all the fuss is about. The obvious flaw in this line of reasoning is that reading what “everyone else is reading to find out what all the fuss is about” only leaves me feeling more befuddled and confused by this world once I realize what a heaping pile of crap said best-seller is. (That lonely feeling of separation is not reserved for horrible literature, of course. I feel the same way when I’m surrounded by people excitedly talking about how much they enjoy the food at The Olive Garden. Really, people? Really? And I’m a woman who, when circumstances demand it, will eat Chef-Boy-Ardee ravioli straight out of the can…cold. Yet even I know that The Olive Garden is shit.) And EVERYONE in my office was, is, or has been planning on reading “Fifty Shades of Grey.” (So, Encyclopedia Brown, do I work in a office populated by MEN? For the answer, turn to page 68.)

Now.

I am not a stupid woman. Stubborn, thoughtless, tempermental, irrational and oh! so obese, yes. But stupid? No. I KNOW that some of you, (probably you), are dying to read this book, this “50 Shades of Grey.” It wouldn’t surprise me if at least one of you, (probably you), is masturbating to it right now. And for those of you that are going to be exploring this book in the near future, I assure you–I have no intentions of spoiling the “plot” for you. (I put the word plot in quotation marks because this novel has one in much the same way that an adult movie does. It’s not exactly “important.”) All I really want to do is take a brief moment of your time to explain in broad strokes why this novel makes me angry enough to want to forcibly sterilize any young woman caught reading it, so as to prevent her from spreading her clearly flawed genetic material, is all.

Please allow myself a moment to self-identify myself. (Tip of the cap to Mr. Mike Myers with that last sentence. (He said something similar in one of the Austin Powers movies.)Whatever happened to that crazy bastard, anyway? You make one, four of the worst movies of all time and all of sudden you’re relegated to doing voicework as a Scottish ogre. What? I’m digressing? Holy shit! I AM, aren’t I? Sorry! Where was I?) I am what I like to call “a lazy fucking feminist.” And, for those of you not “privileged” enough to live in my brain, a “lazy fucking feminist” is a rational human being with tits. (Copyright.) I tend to view people intellectually, not genitalialy. (Copyright.) (So, as you can see, right there I am clearly not a candidate for appreciating this particular style of book.) I strongly believe that women are the equals of men, allowing for some very natural, obvious differences in the sexes. (Men, for example, will for all time clearly dominate in the Peeing in a Bottle category. Women, on the other hand, will forever lead in the Ability to Squeeze a Bowling Ball out of Your Crotch category. So, it’s a wash.) And, were I a spiritual person, I would prefer to follow a religion that had a female creator, since a)women create all life and b)horrific, angry, powerful natural disasters like typhoons, tornadoes, volcanoes and floods could only possibly come from a female goddess on her period. (Am I right, ladies, or am I right? Up top!) The “lazy” part comes in from the fact that I don’t study feminism. Camille Paglia irritates the shit out of me for some reason. My feminism stems more from common sense and from admiring the lives of strong women such as Katharine Hepburn, Anna Quindlen, Molly Ivins, Rosanne Cash, Maria Bamford, etc. than from actually trying to educate myself intellectually. (Who has time for that?)

I DO NOT subscribe to the age-old, paternalistic notion that intelligent, outspoken women need confident, brazen, arrogant men to “tame” them. I do not subscribe to the notion that women secretly fantasize about being raped or dominated or controlled. I do not subscribe to the notion that a woman is not complete unless she has a man.

(That being said, I really need a man to come over and powerwash my house or replace the sparkplug on my lawnmower.)

I realize this is just a story. A shamelessly pornographic story about a wealthy, cold man who is into dominant/submissive sexual roleplay and the woman who loves him. Symbolically, though, this story chaps my hide more than that brown plaited leather riding crop she is so fascinated by.

Because, conveniently, this woman is Purity itself. (Does “Anastasia” mean purity or innocence in Russian? It wouldn’t surprise me in the least.) So, her feminity is of the purest, most perfect kind. 1)She has never been in love before. 2)She is a virgin. 3)She is completely unaware of her own beauty which, apparently, is enough to stop the wealthiest man in the Pacific Northwest in his tracks. And, oh, 4)she has never been drunk, even though she has spent the past four years of her life at college. In PORTLAND.

And apparently, when Purity meets Carnal Desire…well. You get “50 Shades of Grey.” Which means that a 21 year-old woman can go from a virgin who has never once pleasured herself, (Really? Not even once, lady? What were you doing as a 13 year old?), to being able to masterfully control her own orgasms in three weeks time. Oh. And she can experience both external AND internal orgasms. One just as easily as the other. AND she has multiple orgasms with very litle down time. AND she can give professional-grade blowjobs AND successfully roll condoms on with no practice or previous experience.

I sound a little jealous.

And I am, of course, because all of that is preposterous. I certainly hope that no one who reads that yearns to be that ideal woman. The only thing that would make her sexual capabilities slightly more ridiculous is if she could also tie the perfect Windsor knot and make the most delicate blueberry crepes in bed WHILE being serviced from behind for her third orgasm of the night. (Of course, if she knew how to replace the sparkplug in a lawnmower, maybe I wouldn’t be so critical of her…but I digress.)

Anastasia Whats-her-Face clearly is representative of an ideal. And this novel chose to take that ideal and give it submissiveness and curiousity and obedience to some of the sickest, most degrading, controlling, domineering, arrogant behavior, displayed by a man who puts the freak in control freak…and then the author has the audacity to call that love. It is the same old story that has been told throughout the ages. And the lazy fucking feminist in me is sick of it.

I’ll let you know what I think of the second book in the series when I finish it.