I realize that I’ve only started “blogging,” (a pseudo-technical term that, I think, translated loosely, means “throwing up on your computer” in its original Finnish), for a week but, no time like the present. Might as well solve all of the universe’s mysteries now, so we can stop worrying about all of this kynäillen and go back to watching “The Voice.”

You know you want me to.

Every single person on the planet wants to be able to open up a book, flip on a computer or listen to an inspirational speech and have answers to the Great Unknown laid out before them. That’s why Stephen Hawking and Deepak Chopra land on bestseller lists as soon as they publish books. That’s why “Family Circus” is one of the most popular comic strips in American history. It’s why Oprah has developed so much gravitational pull over the past 25 years that the sun is literally beginning to revolve around her. We need someone to tell us WHY and we want them to tell us now.

Now, I’m certainly no Deepak Oprah, so I must have the balls of a mastodon to burst onto this computing device professing to have it all figured out. And, of course, it’s particularly poor timing on my part to try and explain the universe after only last week discussing Rosanne Cash at length. Because that sexy musical guru succinctly figured out Life’s Master Plan back in 2006 when she wrote “God is In The Roses.” He’s in the roses. And the thorns. If you don’t believe me you can find it here.

(Oh, yes, munchkins. I’ve been trying to figure out how to insert links. I’m evolving. Kind of like this guy.)

The quest to discover what it is all about probably began, (for my Christian readers, please insert “as soon as Eve bit into the apple” here), right around the time, while out hunting, an early human watched his best buddy Ray Ray get gored by a mastodon with huge testicles. Once it dawned on us that life was dangerous and harsh and we could be killed at any second, it was on like Donkey Kong for the human race. (Note to self: Try to use the phrase “on like Donkey Kong” in every essay, just like they did in the Federalist Papers.)

And what’s ironic about this quest that we’ve been on is that, while most everything about our species and our planet has evolved, been eradicated, (I don’t normally give a fuck about an Oxford comma, but I really needed one there), or enhanced since those early ancestors tried to kill enormous critters with sticks, we have come absolutely no closer to understanding the Meaning of It All. And I think that is all you need to know about knowing the Meaning of It All.

When you think about it, humans, (and by humans I am referring to the modern definition of human: people that clustered together, formed civilizations, created language and alphabets and learned to put the seat down after peeing), haven’t been around all that long, (again, Christian friends, just feel free to ignore this last bit), not in relation to the age of the planet we inhabit. In that relatively brief history of time we have made some amazing discoveries, most of them mathematical. One guy named Euclid invented geometry, and we’d probably still be living with the livestock in thatch-roofed houses if Sir Isaac Newton hadn’t invented calculus. And then there is this. But, even with molecular biology, germ theory, deep space probes, Large Hadron Colliders and snuggies, we still have don’t have a clue why we’re here on this planet. Not a fucking clue.

But, as Stuart Smalley would say, “that’s…okay.”

Try to think of the entire human race as a mass of molecular material that makes up one body. (No, really, I’m serious. Just try to imagine it. Damn it, smoke some weed if you have to, but I want you to stop reading until you imagine that we’re all molecular components of one body!) Every molecule in a body has a role to perform. Some make the eyeballs blink, others pump your heart and some are just there to cause that weird cramping in the arch of your foot you get when you’re just sitting there on the couch mind your own business eating a Twizzler while watching “The Suite Life of Zack & Cody.” If they didn’t work together, the body would, I don’t know, just kind of explode, leaving fragments of Twizzlers and bone and eyeball juice everywhere. Do you think the molecules in your small intestine are sitting down there wondering, “Why am I here? Where do I go where I die?” No, of course not. They just gurgle and fizz and churn up acids and make you wonder just what, exactly, is in that Hormel smoked turkey deli meat. It can’t possibly be good for you. Now, some molecules follow orders from some head honcho fella who tells them what to do to form a heart. At the same time, a group is working down on that nasty toenail growth that keeps millions of (Good Lord, I hope this isn’t racist) Asian women employed. The two groups don’t know about each other and couldn’t care less what the other is doing. See?

What do you mean, no?

Some of us are in Kentucky, working on our Harley motorcycles and getting ready for another disappointing men’s college basketball season, (the heart) and some of us are in Kandahar, looking to join the Taliban (the feet). And the feet have no idea what the heart is doing. But we’re all connected, nevertheless. We’re all cells in an infinitely vast organism that we have absolutely no ability to quantify or define. We don’t know why we are here because we are completely incapable of both seeing outside of ourselves or recognizing our innate interconnectivity. It’s like licking our own elbow. We cannot do it. We’re incredibly intelligent as an entire organism, but incredibly stupid at a molecular level. This organism known as humanity is really nothing more than phytoplankton spreading dangerously fast across the planet in an unstoppable wave. Oh, Mother Nature has tried to halt our progress with a plague or a war or an iceberg here or there, but to no avail. We will continue on until we exhaust either ourselves or the rock that we live on. We will become extinct and another type of red tide will take our place. But nothing that we do will stop us from trying to lick our own elbow.

Now, the question, of course, is can the human mind live with the meaningless of life? Philosophers down through the ages have struggled with that question, I’m assuming. I haven’t actually read any philosophy books. But I think I heard Matt Damon talk about one in that movie “Good Will Hunting.” They worry that, faced with the gaping maw of the unknown, without a belief in God or some supernatural higher purpose in life, humanity will collapse into a state of anarchy and ennui not seen since Seinfeld went off the air.  It’s possible that is already happening. How else can you explain the popularity of this? But, we’ll be alright. Because I don’t think the majority of human beings want to stop believing in the supernatural, despite how many times Richard Dawkins can prove the improbability of God’s existence. In fact, those of us that don’t believe in God, like Richard Dawkins and Sam Harris, we’re nothing more than isolated cancer molecules within this host organism called Life. We’re mutated anamolies. We float around planting dangerous, humanistic, secular tumors while rabbis, priests and mullahs try to kill us with the radiactive power of their prophets’ words.

Didn’t mean to harsh your buzz, but that’s basically it.

I look forward to discussing the latest episode of Paris Hilton’s new reality show with you next week.