“The American Revolution was started because the English put tacks in our tea.” ~ anonymous American essayist, potential future blogger, and possible leader of today’s Tea Party movement.

I am not an intelligent person. This will become clearer to you with every essay you read. However, if you can’t find the internal fortitude to soldier through them week after week please, take my word for it: I am an idiot.  You may ask how I know this. Well, it certainly isn’t because I’m capable of awe-inspiring, deep, logical thought. I’ve already established that I don’t really have that going for me. But, since I do have the unenviable ability to actually hear what goes on in my head before I say or type it, trust me. I am not a brilliant thinker.

Of course I’m not smart. I’m a human being.

Just because I’m not the shiniest olive on the apple tree, (see?), doesn’t mean that I don’t think, though. I just don’t do it effectively. And those piss-poor cognitive skills are what binds us together as a species. We don’t all look the same. We don’t all speak the same language. We don’t pray to the same God. And as this recent rise in organic foods and veganism shows, we sure as shit don’t eat the same foods. The only true thing that connects us is our incredible fucking stupidity.

Now, I probably shouldn’t have cursed just then. There was really no need for me to gratitiously upset or shock you. But it’s as they say: profanity is the sign of a weak and feeble mind attempting to express itself forcefully. And I definitely want to get my point across to you. Dammit.

Based on some things that I discovered while I was “doing the Google,” I am going to unscientifically say that, since the beginning of human existence, about 85 billion people have lived and died on this rock we call home. (Call home for now, Xenu! For now!) (And for those of you who don’t know who Xenu is, feel free to “do the Google” about Scientology, “the religion so weird that even Mormons feel comfortable making fun of it!”) Or. I could link it for you here. It is not an accident that, of those 85,000,000,000 souls, we can only think of maybe 1,000 truly brilliant ones that have lived here among us and changed the course of human evolution. And even THAT’S being generous, as I know for a fact that I can’t think of a 1,000. I mean, Sir Isaac Newton, of course. I can think of him because he invented gravity and that cookie that I love. Then there is, umm…Nikola Tesla. And Jim Henson. (Pure genius.) Are there any others? I certainly can’t think of any right now. Maybe that guy who hung out with Pinky. Or, wait. He is an animated figure. He’s also a mouse.

My point being, of course, the vast majority of us are, and have been, slobbering, incoherent drones who, were it not for the creative, intrepid genius of a mere handful of genetic mutants, would still be living in caves, pooping in corners, and dragging womenfolk off by the hair to go make babies, convinced that Two & A Half Men is the funniest, most popular show on television. The human race has advanced tremendously in the past 160,000 years. Individual human beings, however, haven’t. They still think it’s funny to light their own farts and post video of it on YouTube.

But even Copernicus would think that was funny. (That’s another smart human, by the way. Copernicus. He invented the Milky Way or something. Just Google it.)

Lately, perhaps because I’ve seen some incredibly stupid things happening, I have been obsessing about the concept of intelligence on both the individual and collective level. I am trying to determine how relevant intelligence is to humanity. I am not convinced that it’s terribly important. Humans have done a lot of stupid shit throughout the course of history, and we’re not extinct yet. I mean, I think intelligence is important, although I do not have a lot of evidence to support my claim. Intelligence not only makes us more self-aware–as was clearly illustrated in the movie “Short Circuit,” (if you never saw that movie, it was about a robot who got “short circuited” somehow and thereby magically became intelligent. “Number 5 is alive!” was the big catchphrase. Just Google it.)–but it also helps improve civilization. Nevertheless, I have a lot of questions about the subject–questions that I cannot begin to resolve in this essay. But, since I’m a fucking idiot, that’s not going to stop me from asking them.

Here is just a sampling of some of the questions that rattle around in my brain in a continual loop:

What is more important: Having the ability to think rationally, logically, and deeply about complex issues, or being able to communicate effectively to the masses? You can be one of the brightest intellectuals in the world, earn the best degrees from the best schools on the planet, and you can use the intelligence honed therein to write dense, complex position papers about serious global issues such as climate change or peak oil, and you can methodically, carefully prove that we need to change the behavior of our society as soon as possible in order to survive…or you can be a gum-poppin’ small town mayor from Alaska who sums up the opposite view with “Drill, baby, drill.” Which person is having a greater effect on the evolution of the species, the brainiac or the maniac? Think about it: the policies of America today are more closely aligned with Sarah Palin’s outlook than that of the UN Climate Change Conference. I think a full 40% fewer people in America now believe that global climate change is occurring from when Al Gore’s “An Inconvenient Truth” documentary was first released. Is it a coincidence that in that same period Glen Beck and Sarah Palin have risen as populists as rapidly as the levels of carbon dioxide and methane have risen in the atmosphere? In other words: Does intelligence stand a chance against blindingly stupid charisma?

What percentage of the people on the planet now even have the capability of grasping the severity of the issues that plague the planet, much less the ability to work on solving them? And if we the people, this teeming, selfish mass of thoughtless hormones and primal urges, are blind to the real dangers that lie before us, how are we going to avoid them? Should we even try to focus on the problems facing us, or should we all just go back to watching Ice Loves Coco?

Are people instinctively aware that the human race is burning through the resources on this planet too quickly, even while they claim ignorance on the subject? Do we know in our gut that we don’t have much more time left? Is that why we don’t bother to pay attention anymore? Is the enormity of what is before us too frightening? Is that why we gravitate to the simplisitic comfort of religion or the Food Network? Does belief in an all-seeing, infallible, omniscient God relieve us of guilt and the responsibility to learn how to live as respectful citizens of the planet? After all, it has already been written that He is going to destroy the earth, so what is the point of trying to save it? Are the only two responsibilities you have on this earth to vote for the next American Idol and save your own soul? In other words: Are we simply, incontrovertibly, genetically, stupid?

Here’s another question: (I shouldn’t ask so many questions, I know. But, it beats the fuck out of swearing.) Have humans always been deliberately thoughtless like this? Part of me wants to believe that centuries ago, the common man and woman yearned desperately for knowledge that they didn’t have access to. They suffered and toiled in obscurity while secretly aching to know more about the world in which they lived. Today, though, knowledge is EVERYWHERE! All you have to do is do the Google. You have to really work hard to remain a fucking idiot in this day and age. Thanks to social networking sites like Twitter and Facebook, the instantaneous sharing of thoughts with many different people is commonplace. It’s hard to remain in a bubble of ignorance in that environment, right? People all over the world, (and Canada!), can help you shape ideas, form opinions, and teach you about issues that you didn’t even know existed before you met them online. All of these factors, you would think, would raise the collective intelligence quotient of the species. But believe it or not, people are still as dumb as bag of fucking hammers. Nowhere is this more in evidence than in the Reader’s Comments section of any newstory posted on Yahoo! News, particularly articles about Barack Obama or the gays.

So, when I grapple with the concept of intelligence, that is a brief sampling of the questions that I’m trying to resolve within myself. I’ve already well-exceeded my 1,000 word allotment for today, (Oh, I know. Ssh. Don’t cry.), so, like a battery-operated vibrator that runs out of juice before you’re done, I will leave you here unsatisfied, begging for more, and kinda pissed off. Hopefully someday we can explore this topic a little further, if you want to. And maybe when we do both of us will come out of it a little wiser in the end, which would be good for humanity. Until then, I’ll see you on YouTube.

And, PS: don’t put any tacks in people’s tea. That tends to rile them up.

I realize that I’ve only started “blogging,” (a pseudo-technical term that, I think, translated loosely, means “throwing up on your computer” in its original Finnish), for a week but, no time like the present. Might as well solve all of the universe’s mysteries now, so we can stop worrying about all of this kynäillen and go back to watching “The Voice.”

You know you want me to.

Every single person on the planet wants to be able to open up a book, flip on a computer or listen to an inspirational speech and have answers to the Great Unknown laid out before them. That’s why Stephen Hawking and Deepak Chopra land on bestseller lists as soon as they publish books. That’s why “Family Circus” is one of the most popular comic strips in American history. It’s why Oprah has developed so much gravitational pull over the past 25 years that the sun is literally beginning to revolve around her. We need someone to tell us WHY and we want them to tell us now.

Now, I’m certainly no Deepak Oprah, so I must have the balls of a mastodon to burst onto this computing device professing to have it all figured out. And, of course, it’s particularly poor timing on my part to try and explain the universe after only last week discussing Rosanne Cash at length. Because that sexy musical guru succinctly figured out Life’s Master Plan back in 2006 when she wrote “God is In The Roses.” He’s in the roses. And the thorns. If you don’t believe me you can find it here.

(Oh, yes, munchkins. I’ve been trying to figure out how to insert links. I’m evolving. Kind of like this guy.)

The quest to discover what it is all about probably began, (for my Christian readers, please insert “as soon as Eve bit into the apple” here), right around the time, while out hunting, an early human watched his best buddy Ray Ray get gored by a mastodon with huge testicles. Once it dawned on us that life was dangerous and harsh and we could be killed at any second, it was on like Donkey Kong for the human race. (Note to self: Try to use the phrase “on like Donkey Kong” in every essay, just like they did in the Federalist Papers.)

And what’s ironic about this quest that we’ve been on is that, while most everything about our species and our planet has evolved, been eradicated, (I don’t normally give a fuck about an Oxford comma, but I really needed one there), or enhanced since those early ancestors tried to kill enormous critters with sticks, we have come absolutely no closer to understanding the Meaning of It All. And I think that is all you need to know about knowing the Meaning of It All.

When you think about it, humans, (and by humans I am referring to the modern definition of human: people that clustered together, formed civilizations, created language and alphabets and learned to put the seat down after peeing), haven’t been around all that long, (again, Christian friends, just feel free to ignore this last bit), not in relation to the age of the planet we inhabit. In that relatively brief history of time we have made some amazing discoveries, most of them mathematical. One guy named Euclid invented geometry, and we’d probably still be living with the livestock in thatch-roofed houses if Sir Isaac Newton hadn’t invented calculus. And then there is this. But, even with molecular biology, germ theory, deep space probes, Large Hadron Colliders and snuggies, we still have don’t have a clue why we’re here on this planet. Not a fucking clue.

But, as Stuart Smalley would say, “that’s…okay.”

Try to think of the entire human race as a mass of molecular material that makes up one body. (No, really, I’m serious. Just try to imagine it. Damn it, smoke some weed if you have to, but I want you to stop reading until you imagine that we’re all molecular components of one body!) Every molecule in a body has a role to perform. Some make the eyeballs blink, others pump your heart and some are just there to cause that weird cramping in the arch of your foot you get when you’re just sitting there on the couch mind your own business eating a Twizzler while watching “The Suite Life of Zack & Cody.” If they didn’t work together, the body would, I don’t know, just kind of explode, leaving fragments of Twizzlers and bone and eyeball juice everywhere. Do you think the molecules in your small intestine are sitting down there wondering, “Why am I here? Where do I go where I die?” No, of course not. They just gurgle and fizz and churn up acids and make you wonder just what, exactly, is in that Hormel smoked turkey deli meat. It can’t possibly be good for you. Now, some molecules follow orders from some head honcho fella who tells them what to do to form a heart. At the same time, a group is working down on that nasty toenail growth that keeps millions of (Good Lord, I hope this isn’t racist) Asian women employed. The two groups don’t know about each other and couldn’t care less what the other is doing. See?

What do you mean, no?

Some of us are in Kentucky, working on our Harley motorcycles and getting ready for another disappointing men’s college basketball season, (the heart) and some of us are in Kandahar, looking to join the Taliban (the feet). And the feet have no idea what the heart is doing. But we’re all connected, nevertheless. We’re all cells in an infinitely vast organism that we have absolutely no ability to quantify or define. We don’t know why we are here because we are completely incapable of both seeing outside of ourselves or recognizing our innate interconnectivity. It’s like licking our own elbow. We cannot do it. We’re incredibly intelligent as an entire organism, but incredibly stupid at a molecular level. This organism known as humanity is really nothing more than phytoplankton spreading dangerously fast across the planet in an unstoppable wave. Oh, Mother Nature has tried to halt our progress with a plague or a war or an iceberg here or there, but to no avail. We will continue on until we exhaust either ourselves or the rock that we live on. We will become extinct and another type of red tide will take our place. But nothing that we do will stop us from trying to lick our own elbow.

Now, the question, of course, is can the human mind live with the meaningless of life? Philosophers down through the ages have struggled with that question, I’m assuming. I haven’t actually read any philosophy books. But I think I heard Matt Damon talk about one in that movie “Good Will Hunting.” They worry that, faced with the gaping maw of the unknown, without a belief in God or some supernatural higher purpose in life, humanity will collapse into a state of anarchy and ennui not seen since Seinfeld went off the air.  It’s possible that is already happening. How else can you explain the popularity of this? But, we’ll be alright. Because I don’t think the majority of human beings want to stop believing in the supernatural, despite how many times Richard Dawkins can prove the improbability of God’s existence. In fact, those of us that don’t believe in God, like Richard Dawkins and Sam Harris, we’re nothing more than isolated cancer molecules within this host organism called Life. We’re mutated anamolies. We float around planting dangerous, humanistic, secular tumors while rabbis, priests and mullahs try to kill us with the radiactive power of their prophets’ words.

Didn’t mean to harsh your buzz, but that’s basically it.

I look forward to discussing the latest episode of Paris Hilton’s new reality show with you next week.